Your Epidermis is Showing

by Joy Monger

The other day at work we had cake. And we ate it really fast. And I commented “wow, we really mainlined that cake.” And my co-worker asked “what does ‘mainline’ mean?” and I said “I don’t actually know. I think it’s like we ate it fast. Like we took it to the house. We killed that cake.”

But I realized it was kinda weird that I was using a word that I didn’t really know. So I asked a few other co-workers if they knew the word “mainline” but no one did.

Then I brought it up again at lunch and someone kindly pointed out that it was a junky term for injecting heroin directly into your largest vein. Good thing I kept saying it at work. About frosting.

A few days later I commented that a stressed out co-worker was “tweaking”.  Apparently that word refers to meth addicts who have done too many drugs.  Nicely done me.

It’s a little bit ridiculous that I wander freely around this town uttering really offensive things in the most inappropriate of settings and have no idea that I am doing it. Apparently I’ve been walking around sounding like a trucker all-the-while thinking I’m cute as pie.

I think it’s what happens when you are a nerdy child who is able to read adult books but not understand them. I know how to say these words but have no clue what they mean…

The worst of it came this weekend while camping with the new man friend.  We were at 11,000 feet and it was cold so we had our sleeping bags pulled up around our heads like mummies. I asked him if he had ever worm wrestled at a slumber party when he was little. He thought this was really funny. Apparently boys don’t have ‘slumber parties’ and when his friends did sleep over they didn’t stand up in their sleeping bags with their eyes closed and run into each other (worm wrestling). Supposedly they didn’t freeze the first person to fall asleep’s underpants  or draw kitty whiskers on each other either, but I’m not sure I believe him.

So I said, “well I’m sure you’ve done this before” and started to roll over him in my sleeping bag. And then I yelled “Cleveland Steamer!!!” at which point he proceeded to freeze and get the most terrified look on his face.

I asked him what was wrong and he said “don’t you know what a Cleveland Steamer is?” I said “ya, we did it all the time. It’s when you roll over someone in bed.”

Apparently it is in fact when you are having sex with someone and you poop on them and then roll around in it. The words I was looking for were actually “Steam Roller!!!”.

An honest mistake.

Poor guy thought I had brought him up to the mountains to poop on him and I was just trying to bond over childhood games.

That same night he had to warn me against using the term “glory hole”.  Apparently it’s not the warm halo of light that surrounds you when you’ve done something well.  Who knew?

I’m just glad he explained this all to me before I went home and bragged that my new boyfriend let me Cleveland Steamer him in my sleeping bag. My work friends would have loved that…