by Joy Monger
I’m not very good at being mean.
It’s not that I am never mean; it’s just that when I am mean I do it very poorly.
One time I went to a big, fancy nightclub here in Denver for my birthday and drank too much tequila. There was a famous basketball star there with his entire entourage. I got frustrated because the entourage kept getting in my way, and it was my birthday damn it! As we tried to leave for the night, the entourage and the famous basketball player got up to make their exit too, and we of course had to wait.
And the famous basketball player was wearing a puffy vest. Which really pissed me off (did I mention the tequila?).
So I walked right up to the giant man athlete and made an obscene hand gestured and yelled “Hey Carmelo, make me a sandwich!”
I don’t even know what that means. But at that time it was the absolutely the meanest put-down I could come up with.
And then a few weeks ago my best friend and I were in the mountains on a beautiful deck watching the hummingbirds dive bomb each other. I was really fed up with another friend so I said,”hey, why don’t we catch a hummingbird in a pillowcase and take it back to Denver and put it into Billy’s* hair?” I seriously thought that was a really hurtful thing to do (those birds can fly pretty fast, imagine if one got all tangled in your hair…)
That’s right, if you cross my friends or family I will hunt you down and put a tiny bird in your hair or ask you to make me lunch.
I made the mistake of telling the story at work and now “hummingbird hair” is a real and serious threat for not turning in your expense report on time.
*Billy is not actually his real name.